Friday, July 11, 2003
The old Joe vs. The new Joe
Let’s begin.
You see…I went to a very STRAIGHT man college. There were like 5 gay people there and they were scary as fuck. And without exaggerating at all, I was the ONLY gay male in the theater department there. I know, I know. Theater? Filled with gays! But not at my college. At my college, even the gay kids were straight.
So, since I couldn’t really date anyone, I would meet straight guys that I thought I could TURN gay with just a little bit of coaxing and a lot bit of patience. Through my last two years at college, I attempted to change over 4 different guys. 3 of them ended up making out with me and staying in my bed. Pretty great accomplishment if I do say so myself. But once I left school and moved to big cities (ie: Boston and NYC), I realized that my days of turning straight people gay were over. Thankfully. There are enough gays in these cities that it would be foolish of me to still find the need to mess around with pseudo straight guys. Why bother?
For the most part, this change has happened without incident. That is until last night.
We had our first cast meeting at a bar called REVIVAL. It went wonderfully and I drank way too much, as my nerves were brittle and breaking. Ian, the guy I have to “fall in love with” during the show, revealed himself to be a very opinionated, extremely intelligent, chauvinistic, hottie. At one point, he was quoted at saying “Halle Barre only won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball because she laid down and put her feet up in the air.” Um. Yeah. But for some reason, Ian can say this nonsense and still come off like a stud.
During one of our cigarette breaks, Kelly bet me that I would, at some point, have feelings for Ian. That I would go for him, regardless of my belief that straight men are a waste of my time. The minute we started talking about it, I got a bit nervous inside. What if I DO end up having feelings for him? What if I can’t help it and the old Joe comes forward and takes over? I know it sounds ridiculous, but old habits die hard.
In any case, the bet is on. I will do WHATEVER it is I have to do in order to avoid falling head over gay heels in fake love with Ian.
Wish me luck.
Oh by the way, if I win the bet, Kelly has to do my laundry. And in a town where doing laundry is the biggest inconvenience, I am surely going to LOVE watching her cart my huge bag to the cleaners. Heh heh heh. We also made another bet about whether or not Evanescence sings “Bring me to Life”. She thought it was T.A.T.U., I knew she was wrong, shook her hand, and now she has to do my laundry even sooner than was expected. I was like “Kelly, you’re NOT GONNA GET IT!” hahaha lamest lyrical reference of the day.
What else?
Have you ever stopped to think that other people are masturbating about you?
This morning as I sat on the subway, this random guy kept staring at me. I would look away, fake yawn, do a little cough, only to see that nothing deterred him from staring at my face. He stayed that way until I finally got off at my subway stop 50 blocks later. During the walk to my office, I thought about the chance that the guy who was staring at me went home and feverishly jerked off his penis. I am sure it has happened to all of us at one point or another. Hells knows that I’ve jerked off about people I’ve known or just seen on the subway. But when it’s the other way around, it’s kind of violating. Cuz it’s their fantasy, not yours. And you are left to wonder if they are closing their eyes and making you pee all over yourself while they lick your armpits. You understand.
So I keep getting these credit card applications saying that I am “pre-approved”. Yet, every time I send in the forms, I get this horrifying letter back telling me that there is a delinquency on my credit report that prevents them from issuing me a credit card. So I finally wrote a letter asking for a free copy of my report. Now I sit here in FEAR that my statement is going to come and there is going to be an overdue bill on there that I didn’t know about. What if it’s like $1,000? Or a million dollars? Or even worse, what if it’s for $400 and I have to actually pay it? I don’t have $400. I didn’t even have $50 to buy a new pair of shoes. Oh the woes of being a poor actor in NYC. At what point do I just give up and move away to a financially stable home in suburbia?
Yuckowitz. I hate money.
But I love yuckowitz. Thanks for that one Reets.
OH! If you sent me an email over the last week, I have lost it. There was a problem with my Hotmail account. Virus or something and I was forced to expunge all of the emails in my inbox. So please don’t hate me if I didn’t write you back. I don’t remember who I owe emails too and I don’t want anyone to think that I ignored your PRECIOUS little writing to me. PRECIOUS golum golum.
ONE LAST THING
Please welcome the Renee Chronicles! She is one my new loves.
Alright…love ewe. And also love pizza. Can my belly go away now so I can have some?
Have a great weekend y’all.
I’m going to stick my fingers in my ass I think. You do the same.
Let’s begin.
You see…I went to a very STRAIGHT man college. There were like 5 gay people there and they were scary as fuck. And without exaggerating at all, I was the ONLY gay male in the theater department there. I know, I know. Theater? Filled with gays! But not at my college. At my college, even the gay kids were straight.
So, since I couldn’t really date anyone, I would meet straight guys that I thought I could TURN gay with just a little bit of coaxing and a lot bit of patience. Through my last two years at college, I attempted to change over 4 different guys. 3 of them ended up making out with me and staying in my bed. Pretty great accomplishment if I do say so myself. But once I left school and moved to big cities (ie: Boston and NYC), I realized that my days of turning straight people gay were over. Thankfully. There are enough gays in these cities that it would be foolish of me to still find the need to mess around with pseudo straight guys. Why bother?
For the most part, this change has happened without incident. That is until last night.
We had our first cast meeting at a bar called REVIVAL. It went wonderfully and I drank way too much, as my nerves were brittle and breaking. Ian, the guy I have to “fall in love with” during the show, revealed himself to be a very opinionated, extremely intelligent, chauvinistic, hottie. At one point, he was quoted at saying “Halle Barre only won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball because she laid down and put her feet up in the air.” Um. Yeah. But for some reason, Ian can say this nonsense and still come off like a stud.
During one of our cigarette breaks, Kelly bet me that I would, at some point, have feelings for Ian. That I would go for him, regardless of my belief that straight men are a waste of my time. The minute we started talking about it, I got a bit nervous inside. What if I DO end up having feelings for him? What if I can’t help it and the old Joe comes forward and takes over? I know it sounds ridiculous, but old habits die hard.
In any case, the bet is on. I will do WHATEVER it is I have to do in order to avoid falling head over gay heels in fake love with Ian.
Wish me luck.
Oh by the way, if I win the bet, Kelly has to do my laundry. And in a town where doing laundry is the biggest inconvenience, I am surely going to LOVE watching her cart my huge bag to the cleaners. Heh heh heh. We also made another bet about whether or not Evanescence sings “Bring me to Life”. She thought it was T.A.T.U., I knew she was wrong, shook her hand, and now she has to do my laundry even sooner than was expected. I was like “Kelly, you’re NOT GONNA GET IT!” hahaha lamest lyrical reference of the day.
What else?
Have you ever stopped to think that other people are masturbating about you?
This morning as I sat on the subway, this random guy kept staring at me. I would look away, fake yawn, do a little cough, only to see that nothing deterred him from staring at my face. He stayed that way until I finally got off at my subway stop 50 blocks later. During the walk to my office, I thought about the chance that the guy who was staring at me went home and feverishly jerked off his penis. I am sure it has happened to all of us at one point or another. Hells knows that I’ve jerked off about people I’ve known or just seen on the subway. But when it’s the other way around, it’s kind of violating. Cuz it’s their fantasy, not yours. And you are left to wonder if they are closing their eyes and making you pee all over yourself while they lick your armpits. You understand.
So I keep getting these credit card applications saying that I am “pre-approved”. Yet, every time I send in the forms, I get this horrifying letter back telling me that there is a delinquency on my credit report that prevents them from issuing me a credit card. So I finally wrote a letter asking for a free copy of my report. Now I sit here in FEAR that my statement is going to come and there is going to be an overdue bill on there that I didn’t know about. What if it’s like $1,000? Or a million dollars? Or even worse, what if it’s for $400 and I have to actually pay it? I don’t have $400. I didn’t even have $50 to buy a new pair of shoes. Oh the woes of being a poor actor in NYC. At what point do I just give up and move away to a financially stable home in suburbia?
Yuckowitz. I hate money.
But I love yuckowitz. Thanks for that one Reets.
OH! If you sent me an email over the last week, I have lost it. There was a problem with my Hotmail account. Virus or something and I was forced to expunge all of the emails in my inbox. So please don’t hate me if I didn’t write you back. I don’t remember who I owe emails too and I don’t want anyone to think that I ignored your PRECIOUS little writing to me. PRECIOUS golum golum.
ONE LAST THING
Please welcome the Renee Chronicles! She is one my new loves.
Alright…love ewe. And also love pizza. Can my belly go away now so I can have some?
Have a great weekend y’all.
I’m going to stick my fingers in my ass I think. You do the same.
